Wrap-Up Blogsky!

So I've been home for a week now. Back at work. Baking in the hot, sweltering, relentless, unforgiving Texas sun. The dust has settled and a thin haze has settled over the memories of my trip and I have decided that I had a pretty kickass time. Met a ton of cool people, gained me some Facebook friends that I'd actually hang out with again, and took about 1,000 pictures that I'm still sorting through. All in all a good time. I'm going to briefly review the last few days of the trip and there's a special bonus. If you were supposed to go on the walking tour of Amsterdam and got hopelessly lost for the entire day, like me, you're in luck. I've managed to obtain a transcript of that very walking tour which I'll post at the end of this blog. So without further adieu, the wrap up.

Prague - Really huge, ancient city that, for an inconceivable reason to this overweight American, was built on the biggest freakin hill in the universe. Seriously, everything was uphill everywhere we went. My calves look like they were chiseled by the gods. It wasn't all bad though. On the morning of our walking tour of the city, I kicked a syringe....in flip flops. Cool huh? No needle sticks which is awesome! And for the rest of the day I watched the ground like a hawk. I also went to the Sex Machine Museum and discovered two things. One, that my imagination is sorely lacking. Two, I've been going about it all wrong. Oh, I also got really homesick there and ate Czech TGI Friday's. They don't have ranch. Very odd. And expensive. My burger was like $16. Worth every penny though. Had a pub across from the hotel. Best idea ever. Good time. Finished up Prague with a river boat cruise and some food. Pretty neat.

Terezin Concentration Camp - Perhaps the most depressing place on earth that also has a restaurant. Seriously. I got a hot dog and then felt guilty the entire time. But it was our lunch stop and well...when in Rome. In all fairness to the guide, she did recommend the goulash. But really, who wants goulash? Took some pictures here but again it was weird. I'm glad I went but I probably wouldn't want to go back.

AMSTERDAM!!! - So we flew from Prague to Amsterdam with the intention of not sleeping and staying out all night and having a good time. In reality we ended up getting a hotel room and going to bed by 10. Here's why. We were summarily dumped at the airport with a "See ya" from our our guide. We asked directions to the Anne Frank House and made the tour for that. Next up was the Van Gogh Museum. Where exactly is the Van Gogh Museum? Yeah I don't know either. Neither did the map. Neither did the fifty Dutch people we asked for directions. One thing about the Dutch, they're incredibly helpful and friendly people. They are also directionally challenged. We ended up walking in circles twice before resigning ourselves to just going to the Heineken Tour and calling it a day. There was also the matter of the walking tour that night. Well the company may or may not have gone out of business and we were instructed to show up and hope. Well seeing as how I wasn't running a presidential campaign, I was pretty much out of hope. I also had no idea how to get there. We ended up at the train station, tired, lost, Van Goghless, and ready for bed. Still an awesome time.

Remember how I said that I obtained a transcript of the tour we would have taken? You're curious about the history of Amsterdam aren't you? Well so was I. Here it is for your perusal. Please be sure to read all the 's' sounds like 'sh' and you'll be sure to get the authentic Dutch tour guide accent (think Goldmember from Austin Powers).

Hello and welcome to the wonderful tour of Amsterdam. I'm your guide Yonderfuten. It sounds Swedish but it isn't. In Dutch it means 'Guy with feet over there'. Anyway you'll notice to your right there are some buildings with ivy growing on them. There is nothing special about them, I just enjoy the ivy. You'll notice an abundance of bicycles in this city. This stems from the great bicycle rebellion of 1910. The peasants revolted against the King of Amsterdam overtook his castle, smoked his weed, and married his daughters. He had three daughters. There were four peasants. Today, the bicycles are ridden around the city as a reminder of the way the King's daughters had bells attached to their heads. Watch out for the trams. They will kill you. They don't care. Like the shrooms, you don't fuck with the trams. Before electricity, they were pulled by giant blond Norwegian horses with blue eyes. During the bicycle rebellion these horses were banished from the kingdom and sent to Iceland where it is said they are plotting their revenge. The tracks on the ground are memorials to the holes that were gouged into the earth by having horse drawn trams. We love windmills and wooden shoes here. We also have the only known cases of termite foot in the world. Really nasty business. Oh my. We have arrived at the Red Light District. You may think that the Dutch just love having sex in windows in from of people. In fact, the Red Light District stands as a memorial to the brave fornicators of World War II. During the war, it was known that if people were doing it, Hitler wouldn't bomb us. So as a signal to the Nazis that we didn't want to be bombed, we turned on red lights and had lots and lots of crazy sex. For many years it was impossible to become amorous in Amsterdam without a red light. It caused a high level of anxiety amongst the cannabis smokers because they always thought we were at war. Today the traditional Dutch sex light is the black light because we like the way it makes our pasty skin glow in the dark. Well that concludes our tour. Thank you for your interest in our wooden shoe wearing, bicycle riding, sex crazed city. Enjoy your stay.

There ya have it. Hope you enjoyed it. Till next time. Adios y'all.