Daddy Doody

Hi there it's me again. I was going to do some kind of cool riff on Adele's 'Hello' but then I remembered it wasn't 2015 anymore and that pretty much everyone has moved on. Except James Corden. That man is ruthless with the singing. Enough already. We get it! You're adorable and English and you can kinda sing in a car. Where was I? Oh yeah so very tired...

Nine* days ago today our lives were completely turned upside down in spectacular and absolutely wonderful fashion. We had a baby boy. Well my wife had a baby boy. I was there cheering her on, trying not to pass out, and secretly thankful that my anatomy will never in any way shape or form support such an endeavor.

Which reminds me, a HUGE shout out to my wife. Does one shout out to their spouse? No matter...Holy crap y'all. She carried a baby for 8 1/2 months...inside her! Then she delivered the baby. From her body! And afterward she was happy to talk and have visitors like she'd just gotten back from a trip to Target. What. The. Hell. Women. Damn.

I'm still trying to process this whole fatherhood thing and yes I am keenly aware that the fact I am responsible for another human being is absolutely ludicrous. On a good day I can barely make a sandwich and now I'm charged with making life altering decisions like Montessori Pre-K or the one where they only speak Spanish. I mean Montessori will definitely help with his sensory development and sense of self but Spanish is infinitely more useful than having a sense of who you are. On the other hand if he goes to the Spanish school, when he gets mouthy I'll have no idea what he's saying. See what I mean?

So what's a dad to do? Make a list of course. Possibly the laziest narrative device in the history of the written word. But you have to admit it's pretty effective and they are excellent for organizing little tidbits of otherwise useless factoids generated entirely by yours truly. Also (say it with me kids) I write lists now. Lists are cool. Without further adieu here are some things I have managed to learn in the 9 days since I became a father.

1.  Baby feet are too small for socks yet we have an entire section of his wardrobe dedicated to baby socks.
2. We also have baby shoes. No idea why.
3.  I have been peed on, pooped on, hit, and thrown up on this past week. I feel like I'm back in college. 
4. If you have to ask what a diaper blow out is you've not experienced one.
5. The worst advice we've gotten is "Sleep when he sleeps." What the hell does that even mean? It's 1:30 in the afternoon. I have a job.
6. Even if I can sleep when he sleeps I am up every 30 minutes making sure he is still alive. This speaks either to my fatherly dedication or complete ineptitude. 
7. Driving with a baby in the car is far less terrifying trying to figure out how to strap on the baby carrying harness thing. No idea what they're called. They look like really oddly shaped tandem sky-diving rigs though. 
8. Before sitting down to write this, my son went through 3 outfits and 2 diapers in less than 20 minutes. 
9. I never thought I would envy the regularity of a newborn.
10. My wife has lost 30 pounds in a week.
11. I would like to know when my baby weight comes off. 
12. Seriously. Was there a form I was supposed to fill out at the hospital? Nothing fits.
13. Looking aloof and helpless with a baby will get you sympathy help at stores.
14. I am actually not horrible at this dad thing. In fact I really dig it. Like totally man. Super groovy. God I'm so tired.
15. When he smiles, giggles, coos, or even poops it's totally worth every minute of the crazy. 

So there ya have it. Short but sweet. I won't go so far as to say that having a kid has completely changed me and made me a better person. I also won't say it hasn't. Too early to tell but I'm trending in a groovy direction man. So tired...

Till next time. Adios y'all.

*I actually started writing this yesterday which would have been 8 days. Because this is writing of the highest caliber and I am lazy I changed the number of days to make you think I started this today. Then I told on myself. No one likes a snitch. Snitches get stitches. Wait what? Oh right. Sleep deprivation.

All Growed Up

Well hello there! It's been a while hasn't it? This should come as a surprise to...really no one. I am an unreliable narrator and terrible at Sudoku. One of those things is relevant though I'm not quite sure which one...

So it's been over two years since I graced your computer screens with the output of my brain in the form of words that have been loosely arranged into something comprehensible. If you're still with me after the ridiculousness of that sentence then kudos to you. I almost gave up on me just then.

What have I been up to these 26 months? I got a new job where I'm no longer traveling for work which is kind of a mixed bag. I have difficulty maintaining elite status with hotels and airlines but I also recognize my family so there's that. What else.....

I GOT MARRIED!!! Wait what? So I jumped the gun on that but totally stoked. Let me back up here. I started dating my wife shortly after I left my last job. Last summer I had the chance to go to London and Poland for work so I dragged/drug/drugged her along with me. We got engaged under the statue of Eros* in Piccadilly Circus on our last night in London and then went out in search of Platform 9 3/4. All about priorities I am. So I'm now engaged which leads me to my next bit of news...

WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!! TOMORROW!!! Surprise! Again totally not making this up. So that came about shortly after we got engaged and my fiance, now wife, went to the doctor and told them that we wanted to try to have kids. Their advice was to try for 6-9 months, plenty of time to plan a wedding, and come back for testing if we weren't properly with child. We did it in 3 months. Go team! Timeline totally screwed up with that one. The emphasis here is that our kid was 100% planned, not an accident or anything like that. I shouldn't have to put that here but you know how people talk.  It was the wedding that was not 100% planned but came about due to necessity...

The pregnancy has been a rough one. Not to go into too many details here but we've had a few scares along the way that made both of us reevaluate the whole getting married whilst pregnant thing. Again it was mostly because no matter how planned it is, and how adorable a pregnant lady looks in a wedding dress, there's still this judgemental thing lingering. Because of the complications that we had throughout it became more important to legally seal the deal as it were. Mostly if something happened with her or the baby I would be a passive observer if we weren't married and that was scarier than judgemental stares or conversations being had about us behind our backs. Like any good kids in love we did the most logical thing and booked a wedding in Las Vegas. Now if the first thing that springs to your mind is a drive-through with a singing Elvis you're not alone. We didn't go that route. Turns out there are some very nice hotels with very nice wedding packages sans Elvi (I believe that is the plural of Elvis) that you would actually want to remember. We did that complete with wedding photography and everything. And we have no regrets. In fact, the night we were supposed to head out to Vegas we spent in the hospital instead. Damn complications.We got everything moved around and had a pretty memorable weekend. And we got a story out of it. We're headed to the hospital in the morning for an induction, which does not involve cook tops of any kind, and presumably some time tomorrow our son will be born. Pretty cool huh?

So why the gap in writing and the lack of social media goodness? I got tired. I needed to get my house in order and figure out some stuff. Along the way I started worrying less and just enjoying the ride which for me is huge. I also realize that I might want to post stuff about what is presumably the most awesome baby to every exist ever and I needed to provide some context. People like context. I'd hate to have you read this thing and think that in two years I had started baby-napping (like stealing babies, not napping in cribs which actually doesn't sound all that horrible). I'm also betting that I'm about to have a whole bunch of material to write about. 

I think that is a loose approximation of the current state of affairs. A lot to take in right? It's ok I'll wait...Good? Great. I won't promise that I'll update regularly because we all know how that works out but I will at least consider it...if I want to...I guess. Till next time. Adios y'all.

*The statue in Piccadilly Circus is actually of Anteros and not Eros. At least that's what Wikipedia said when I looked it up as a refresher. Who knows? We did get engaged there though and I have a picture to prove it. And so do the Japanese tourists we accidentally photo bombed.

Hey gurl! (Imagine I'm Ryan Gossling saying that. It's less creepy. Or maybe creepier. Your choice.)

Well hello there! Sorry about the delay in responding to the urgent pleas of the interwebs for more bloggy goodness. You see what had happened was…So yeah. I was in Canada then I was in Cedar Rapids now I’m back in Texas. In truth I started a blog last week. Never hit publish. Still in my draft folder. It was all mopey and self-indulgent which if you really think about it, it’s my blog so I can write whatever I damn well please. It was really too much even for me so I shelved it. That’s what I get for trying to write during the full moon. Also I’d been reading David Sedaris and I think subconsciously I was mimicking his writing style. It works for a 50-ish gay dude. Not so much for a 30 year old man-child. But I digress. Or do I? Had I actually gotten to the gress? Hmmmm...Oh yeah, the point was I write just as good as David Sedaris. Yes. That’ll do nicely.

I’m grounded for the entire month of May! Which is actually pretty fine by me. Gives me a chance to catch up on things like making sure I remember to pay my bills on time and pretending to work out. Also it has allowed me to pause and consider that as of this Thursday I will have been 30 for 8 months. Crazy. Seems like just yesterday I was in 3^rd grade listening to NPR on the way to school. So much has changed. For instance, now I listen to NPR on the way to work and I have a retirement account.

Unfortunately for you dear reader, my time off the road has given me the opportunity to finally write down my list of the…wait for it…30 most important facts/things I’ve learned/observed/gleaned about myself and life and stuff since gaining the ability to remember over two decades of my life. Why a list? Because I write lists now. Lists are cool. Here we go:

1.     I’ve tried and failed to pull off a fedora on multiple occasions.

2.     I still get blindingly ragingly angry about the series finale of LOST

3.     Also why is it called LOST and not Lost?!?!

4.     What was that island?

5.     I am awesome at air guitar.

6.     I cry at commercials. Just the sad ones. Though advertising in general is probably worth weeping for the future of the world but that’s another entry entirely.

7.     Sometimes hard things just aren’t worth doing. Like swimming across the ocean. Or climbing Mt. Everest in shorts.

8.     Simplicity is harder to pull off than something complex.

9.     I sing in the car. With the windows down. At stoplights. I’m sorry.

10. I have eaten and enjoyed haggis.

11. Stay calm. What sucks right now will soon be replaced by something even suckier. This is known as the ‘Circle of Suck’.

12. You probably shouldn’t Google ‘Circle of Suck’.

13. I warned you didn’t I?

14. Time waits for no man. Unless you pull the battery out of the clock.

15. We’ve reached the halfway point. Congratulations for sticking with me. It’ll be over soon I promise.

16. I can be an asshole sometimes. Or most of the time. It really depends on what day you catch me.

17. I’m working on that whole asshole thing.

18. On the whole I think I am a pretty good person.

19. I am very much a work in progress.

20. I just don’t see what the big deal about Frozen is.

21. I say y’all a lot.

22. We’ve been through a lot these last few years but Apple I still love you. And yes I already love the new iPad Micro before you’ve even thought of it.

23. Admit it, you still think ‘That’s what she said.’ is pretty great.

24. I have traveled to 9 countries. Only 187 to go.

25. Life is chaotic, messy, stressful, and pretty damn great.

26. If I could change one thing about me I would lighten up a bit.

27. Skinny jeans are not for the faint of heart. Or chunky of thigh.

28. I am incredibly lucky. Not a platitude or an affirmation. Just the truth.

29. Star Trek is, and always will be, better than Star Wars. That is a statement of fact.

30. I am finally ok being a nerd/geek/embodiment of awesome. Gotta play to your strengths.

31. I used to think that if I hadn’t done something incredible by the time I was 35 I’d climb Mt. Everest. That way if, and when, I died at least I’d be remembered for dying while climbing Mt. Everest. Instead I think I’ll hang around a while. See what the next 30 years looks like.

Ok so that was 31 things. But they were all great. And mostly I’m too lazy to go back and delete one so there ya have it. Thanks for reading. For putting up with my sporadic and often rambling posts. You’ve really been there for me internets. I heart you.

Till next time. Adios y’all.

Wish You Were Her

You know those post cards where there’s a girl in a bikini and the caption reads ‘Wish You Were Her’? Yeah this blog has nothing to do with one of those but it seemed cutesy and whimsical so I went with that for the title. I’m beginning day 9,872 of my Canadian exile. I did actually go home since the last time I wrote about being in Canada and then I came back four more times. Four. More. Times. So I’ve spent about 12 weeks up here in the last year. That’s like three months. Now that’s commitment. Take that Dr. Vanderwoot and your commitment issue theories! Wait…wrong blog.

Things have been good. Since last we met the following things have happened:

·      I have traveled to Canada and Iowa

·      I turned 30 (more on that in a future blog post)

·      Went to Scotland, Northern Ireland, and England

·      Some other stuff

·      Watched the first 6 seasons of Mad Men

·      Watched a lot of Dr. Who – Finally made it to Matt Smith

·      I BOUGHT A HOUSE!

·      Grew 5 inches

·      Became even more charming

·      Grew some abs so I could see what everyone was raving about

·      Made up the last 3 items on the list

I’m sure there have been other things but really people it’s been almost a year. It’s hard to keep track of all of my awesome. 

Other than failing to entertain you with this blog I don’t have a whole lot of other things to talk about. Saving them all for future blogs. So in 2 years be prepared to be underwhelmed by the latest round of musings. Until then I leave you with some new Canadian observations:

·      Really not particularly fond of Americans here

·      I kinda get it but I’m a nice guy. Like a sarcastic teddy bear. Give me a chance. I just want to be loved.

·      Y’all remember Naya bottled water? Slogan ‘Hungry for life. Thirsty for Naya.’ Yeah they have it here.

·      Since they got rid of the penny here they round all of their transactions either up or down depending on total. But they still announce the old amount. I can never owe $10.83 in cash. Instead I’ll pay $10.80 or $10.85. For someone terrible at math this is terrifying.

·      Lots of women wear yoga pants here

·      I am not complaining

·      I still have not tried Canadian McDonald’s

 
That’s about it. I’ll write more later but to be honest I think you deserve a blog post from somewhere other than Canada. I’ll see what I can do about that. Till next time. Thanks for reading. Adios y’all.

Give the people what they want!

Give the people what they want! Give the people what they want! Oh. Hi. I was just chanting, envisioning that I was giving the people what they want which as you have probably guessed is more bloggy goodness. So where were we?

Well as far as tours go this one was ok. Got off to kind of a rocky start but once we got going things went smoothly. It was HOT today. Like in the 90s for all you Fahrenheit  junkies. In the 30s for all you Celsius lovin hippies. Now that I look at the difference in numbering I guess I'd want Celsius too. Makes summer in Texas look bearable. Anyway...

We stopped at a winery for a tasting. It was odd cause we didn't tour. Just stopped, took two thimbles of wine and then stayed for 20 minutes. I paid $2 for something called ice wine which they make during the winter from grapes that freeze. If you combined white wine with a gallon of corn syrup and then added Splenda you have the taste of ice wine. It was pretty gross. They make a big deal out of it here. I don't get it.

We stopped at a town called Niagara on The Lake to look around. It's neat. Looked like the set of Gilmore Girls. Or so I've heard. I mean I never actually tuned in for the antics of Rory and Lorelai. Don't know what you're talking about. Hey look a goose!

Next up was the main attraction and it did not disappoint.

Hey look I figured out how to add a picture! Seriously though it's totally worth the drive and all the touristy stuff to be able to see these up close. We took the Maid of the Mist boat to the foot of the falls on both sides. Got totally soaked and loved every minute of it.

So which side of the falls is better? Well the picture above is the American side. Here's the Canadian side.

You definitely get closer to the Canadian side but then the water begins to terrify your iPhone and you have to put it away and promise to buy it a new case after this is all over. Either way it's pretty spectacular.

Now the city of Niagara Falls is another story entirely. If Las Vegas and Branson threw up next to a waterfall with an adult video store and a duty free shop it would be the city of Niagara Falls. This is all on the Canadian side too. We didn't cross the border since it takes years to do, so I can't speak for what's on the American side. Turns out I had it a little backwards. There is a Walmart on the Canadian side. No Chili's. But guess what?

I KNOW RIGHT?!?! I couldn't have planned it if I tried. I had to take a picture cause I figured that no one would believe me. And no, I didn't look it up on the way there. Take that internet!

Well that wraps it up. Pretty awesome day. I may write more later if I get the urge. Aren't you lucky? You don't know? The answer is yes. Yes you are. Anyway, till next time. Adios ya hoser!

Oh Canada?

Well hello there! It's been about 6 months since I last updated you on my comings and goings. Lately it's been mostly goings. I've been traveling a lot these last few months. Today I'm coming to you live from a motor coach (tour van thing) on my way to Niagara Falls. Say what?

I'm starting my second week here in Canada and wanted to get out for a bit. See the world eh? And apparently the falls are better on the Canadian side. Not sure about that. If the rest of America is any guide I'd say our side is way more awesome. Probably has a Walmart. Maybe a Ruby Tuesday. Definitely a Chili's.

So here are some things I've learned about our maple leafed cousins to the north:

1. Your American credit card does not have a microchip in it. 
2. As a result of the missing chip, cashiers stare impatiently at you as you swipe your card. 
3. They love burgers here. Every menu has a burger on it. 
4. There is a very large Indian population here. 
5. Their Indian food is terrible. 
6. If you walk out in the street in rush hour cars will stop without honking their horn. It's the law. 
7. Every restaurant has garlic aioli.
8. I have no idea what aioli is. 
9. A hoser is not nearly as offensive as I thought it was. 
10. If Ned Flanders had his own country it would be Canada. 
11. There is a children's show here called The Littlest Hobo. It's about a husky. 
12. The show is also vaguely racist. 
13. Eclipse gum is called Excel. 

Well that's all for now. I'll write more later. More than likely on the way back. It's a long ride to the falls. 

Till next time. Adios y'all. 

Dublin Wrap!

So you’re probably wondering what happened right? Last you heard from me I was hanging off the side of a castle kissing strange rocks in the rain. Well dear reader let me tell you….

Thursday 1/24/13

Thursday we had all kinds of grand plans that involved us getting up early and really taking in the sites and sounds of Dublin. Only problem was we were properly knackered after a day of castle and church touring and so our day got off to a late start. No big deal right?

Our tour of the Jameson Distillery was at 2 so we had plenty of time. Until we used Google Maps. You may remember me mentioning the Google. So against really any kind of logic and reason, I blame the Guinness, we started off in what appeared to be the direction of the distillery. Not a chance in hell that it was the right way. What was supposed to be a 20 minute walk again ended up taking 2 hours and 5 miles. We did make it to the distillery with 5 minutes to spare and then an additional 15 minutes because the tour guide told us they always start later because people get lost. Go figure. Got to learn how whiskey is made and the proper classy way to drink it. Turns out I was doing in wrong in college.

That night we went to a town called Ashbourne just outside of Dublin with one of my Dad’s co-workers. He took us to his neighborhood pub to introduce us to the locals. When the bartender found out we were from Texas he put ‘Friends in Low Places’ on the jukebox. Whether or not you like country music, you have to admit this was pretty cool. And I also like the song so that helped.

Next up was Temple Bar, which is an area of Dublin and also, surprise, a bar! Very touristy, very loud, and very crowded. Still fun. Lots of music and things of that nature. Then it was off to another Irish folk pub thing down the street. This one was called Oliver St. John Gogarty. It’s yellow and named after some famous historical Irish guy. It’s on Wikipedia so he has to be real. More dancing and Irish music. Lots and lots of Irish music.

Friday 1/25/13

GUINNESS!!!! Got up late and decided to take a cab to the brewery. See? We were learning. Anyway it was raining and cold and a great idea to spend the day inside a brewery where it’s dry and warm and beery. Not a whole lot to say about the brewery mostly because there wasn’t any actual brewing going on that you could see. That was disappointing. What wasn’t disappointing was the free pint of Guinness at the top of the building overlooking the city at the end of the tour. That definitely didn’t suck.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one, two Americans and two Dutch guys get into a cab…and that is how our Friday night started. We headed off to the Merry Ploughboy Pub for a night of, you guessed it, Irish music and dancing and food. The van that picked us up was also occupied by two very enthusiastic Dutch gentlemen who were also very enthusiastic about their new American companions. Have I mentioned how much I love the Dutch? They’re great! So what normally would have irritated me, sharing a cab and dinner outing with strangers, turned into something totally great.

The show was a lot of fun, even the audience participation parts, and one of the band guys offered to take us back to Dublin if we wanted to stick around for their after party. We were leaving the next morning and didn’t think it’d be wise to try and pull that off. Still a pretty cool offer.

So to close out our little adventure here are some closing thought bubbles:

1.  Irish McDonald’s is awesome. Not as good as Czech McDonald’s. Way better than Austrian McDonald’s.
2.  I was not the only person wearing Doc Martens for once. I consider this a win
3. There are no such thing as leprechauns
4. The Guinness Wall of Fame has a picture of Paul Rudd drinking a beer
5. There is also a picture of Emilio Estevez
6. O’ Danny Boy is not the national anthem
7. Everything is a 10 minute walk from where you are
8. There is no such thing as a 10 minute walk in Dublin
9. The English really aren’t uppity. I’m sorry for saying that
10. The Irish are genuinely interested in where you’re from and what you think of their country
11. They do not hate America
12. Not everyone is drunk all of the time
13. Some people are drunk most of the time
14. Buildings here are VERY old
15. Sometimes they put a Starbucks in those very old buildings
16. There is a restaurant that used to be a church. Still has the organ that Handel used to practice on
17. In the 70s when everyone in Amsterdam was really poor they used to host ‘American Parties’ which we Americans call potluck – Courtesy of our enthusiastic Dutchmen
18. Budweiser is readily available in Ireland
19. Tragically people actually like Budweiser in Ireland
20. This blog entry is almost 1000 words
21. I was actually sad to leave
22. I will be back

When I visit somewhere I think about whether or not I could live there. I could live in Ireland. If you have the chance to go don’t turn it down. You definitely will not regret it and might even find yourself looking at castle realtors and learning how to refurbish a moat.

As always, thanks for reading. I think I’ll do this again sometime. I have a feeling this internet thing is here to stay. Till next time. Sláinte y’all.